1) In 1947, a secret government detail set out to disprove the existence of aliens. They weren’t successful, however, they did successfully create a treat they called “anti-alien sustenance material,” which would later go on to become Reese’s Puffs.
2) Two planets collided far off in the galaxy, and for 100 days, Reese’s Puffs rained down on the Earth. DID YOU KNOW: Reese’s Puffs are not a renewable resource. Cherish them. Or hope for another planet collision as delicious as the last one.
3) One day a child was born. When he was five days old, he said to his mother: “This world isn’t chocolaty enough. It isn’t peanut buttery enough.” The mother felt horrible, and immediately set out to create a food that changed her child’s mind. That food was Reese’s Puffs.
An Open Letter To People Who Eat Reese’s Puffs, from a Reese’s Puff
Dear People Who Eat Me,
I would like to begin by saying that I understand, and I’m not mad. I’m not mad at all. If I were human, I would eat me too. I’m delicious. I’ve been told this since the beginning. So let’s get that out of the way: I ain’t mad. In fact, I’m a little bit jealous. You see, if I ate Reese’s Puffs, I’d be committing all types of wrong. Social norms and such, ‘eating your own kind.’ So, am I mad? No. Jealous? Absolutely.
I do feel a little worried, though. I mean, as a Reese’s Puff, you never really know when it’s coming. You know what I’m talking about. One second you’re just chilling in your box with hundreds of your homies, and the next second you’re being dumped into a bowl of skim milk. Soon you’re being poked and prodded with a big silver spoon. And then who knows what happens after that. ‘The great unknown.’ I’ve heard stories from Puffs that have fallen from the spoon while on their way to that big, dark tunnel—never in the same shape they were in when they left. But they say that Puffs that enter that tunnel go into ‘a transformation.’ The Puffs that come back look gnarled and battered. Man, who really knows what happens—but I do know that most Puffs don’t come back.
So I wait. And that’s what I’m trying to tell you, person who eats me. My life is all about waiting. And I do it for you. So the next time you open your box of Puffs, maybe just think for a second about what I’m sacrificing, and what you’re gaining.
7 Things Every Reese’s Puff Should Know by the Time It’s Eaten
1) When someone leaves your box open, they leave you vulnerable and risk making you stale. Don’t let people like this into your life. You want to be fresh. Never let another person determine your quality. 2) If you’re depressed that you’re just going to end up in a bowl, realize that, as a Reese’s Puff, you are special. Don’t allow anyone to think you are not unique, or somehow “less-than.” You are a Reese’s Puff. You realize that, right? You are “equal to,” if not “greater than.”
3) Never let anyone try to control you. Yes, they’ll have you once they eat you—but before that, live your life for you. Be strong. Be brave. Be independent. Get those extensions you’ve always wanted. You may be edible, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. Or a desire for great hair-weave.
4) Sometimes you’ll feel like you exist solely to be eaten. It’s true, but it’s also best not to think about it.
5) You were born a Reese’s Puff. Be proud about your Puff heritage. Let your pride keep your shoulders up (that’s an expression—I realize you don’t have shoulders).
6) Don’t move too fast. Someday you’ll look back on your life as a Reese’s Puff, and you’ll probably wonder where the time went. ENJOY LIFE, even if you are cramped into a dark box with hundreds of your kin for 99.9% of your journey.
7) You didn’t miss out on much by never going bungee jumping, like you always wished you had.